im fucking alone again - this time it was out of my hands, or maybe just ripped out of my hands.

its just one huge let down after another these days. first, mikey contracts some sort of split personality disorder and starts to despise me for absolutely no reason. after a month of a really fun, perfect sort of relationship - his heart iced over and was inexcusably mean to me. so i had to kick him out of our house. i went through a whole year of being strung along, walked all over and hurt for no reason - i wasn't about to let it happen again in my own apartment.

so this is usually when i panic, and go running back to sean. i can't do that to myself over and over again. im so pathetically in love with him when i know all he wants from me is sexx, i just can't handle it at this point in my life. i am glad that he is on tour now though, when he is so close i feel helpless and i can't shake it.

then, to add fuel to the fire, the job at R20th century fell through. three fucking interviews and they still gave the position to someone else. i am 100% totally heart broken. my effin dream job just given away to someone with probably a lot less passion.

i literally JUST got a call from BKNYprinting - they wanted to offer me the position. which includes taking orders, deciphering customer requests, and rendering designs for production forms. and its two blocks from my house, the only thing is that it is a lot less money. but i dont know, we'll see.

i might jump out this 11th floor window today, keep in touch.